If you don’t know, ask!

If you don’t know, ask. Whether it’s extra help, life advice or anything else you can think of, people are generally happy to offer support

DK (former student)

My response:

I couldn’t agree more. Real men eat quiche. And the real, real men are not afraid to ask how to make that quiche.

More on “If you don’t know”:

Children ask questions naturally. Adults often stop asking because they’re afraid of something. Somewhere along the way, many of us start thinking that asking questions is a sign of weakness. 

“I don’t need to ask for directions.”

“I can figure it out myself!”

“I’ll look it up later.”

In reality, asking for help is one of the clearest signs of confidence.

So why do we tend to stop asking? People don’t want to seem unintelligent or unfamiliar with things. They think that it may expose a weakness. Or, other people will judge them harshly for not knowing something. We’ve convinced ourselves this is true, but it rarely is. I have yet to meet a mature adult that faults another for asking for advice or help. I can happily ask my neighbor about fixing my home’s heating system because I know he knows more than I about it. And I also know that if he doesn’t, he’ll research it, ask someone else, and get back to me. 

One of the best pieces of advice I received as a new teacher was this: If a student asks a question you can’t answer, don’t make finding the answer their homework. Adding more to a student’s plate because they asked a question, or looked at something a different way than you anticipated, is a perfect way to shut that child’s curiosity down. 

When teaching, it is assumed you know everything about everything and see what is going on. In reality you definitely don’t (especially those first few years!). So how do the best teachers handle this? The ones I worked with stayed honest about things with their students. 

None of us want to look stupid. So how can you align that with also having to appear as the expert in class? This is why the best teachers are lifelong learners. They don’t pretend to be the expert (even when some of them are). They take a question they might not know the answer to and turn it into a lesson on being curious, seeking out resources, and understanding that no one knows everything.

So how do you handle a surprise question from a student? If it is something factual and there is time in class, you can ask them all to look it up online and report back. This can foster a discussion on how best to use search engines, what can be trusted information and what can’t, and it stresses to the student that the teacher isn’t their only resource. While we should be better than them at discerning these things since we have the deeper knowledge and experience, it is our openness to continually learning that gives us more authority.

If there isn’t time to address it directly in class, you can always tell the students you will get back to them. “I’m not sure. Let me look a little deeper into that idea and we can discuss it at the beginning of the next class.” This goes back to modeling being a lifelong learner. 

A third way to address this is to write it on a post-it note and put the question on a bulletin board. Students are then invited to grab a post-it and come back with more information. This isn’t a homework assignment. It’s an opportunity for some extra credit.

Can you see yourself in any of these situations?

• A person leaves the doctor’s office confused because they were embarrassed to ask another question.
• A homeowner spends an entire weekend fixing something incorrectly because they wouldn’t ask a neighbor.
• A traveler who gets lost instead of asking directions. (Although navigational systems have reduced this experience quite a bit!)
• A parent pretends to know the answer to a child’s question.

Now ask yourself, “why?”

Why didn’t you ask that follow-up question? The doctor would have welcomed your determination to understand how to improve your health. Being a self-advocate is a strength!

Why didn’t you ask for help fixing that pipe? Your neighbor would appreciate the idea that you consider them a resource and an expert. You will save money in the long run seeking out someone’s help, even if you buy them a beer and a sandwich as a thank you!

Too many people don’t ask for help or clarification, forgiveness, or advice. In my experience, one of the biggest differences between successful people and struggling people isn’t intelligence. Successful people are willing to ask questions of anyone. It is not a show of vulnerability. It is a demonstration of curiosity, confidence, and adaptability.

Children ask questions because they want to learn. Adults stop asking because they want to protect their pride. Ironically, lifelong learners are the ones who never stop asking questions or for help.