Making Connections

This is an awesome thread… I may need to steal it! After earning the “conservation of energy award” in Chemistry, I realized I could be working harder… I learned that just spending a few extra minutes a night on my work could make a huge difference. Consistency is key.  Also, I learned that if you want to move quietly, use the marching-band method of heel-to-toe motion.  My connections with my public school teachers was the biggest takeaway

S.C. (Math teacher at my school)

My response: 

I am thrilled with how this one question is affecting me. And I think it’s demonstrated by your last comment. It’s the connections. This has been a year (2020) where many (most) of us feel a disconnect with others. It is physical, but it can also be emotional and dare I say political. We have to remember, nourish, and acknowledge those connections even more now to keep them, and ourselves healthy.

More about connections- 

While I like the philosophical statement, “No man is an island.”, I prefer to think about it more scientifically. Humans are social animals. As a species we rely on each other for support. While it may have started with two australopithecines sharing a mango, or one sitting in a tree so the troop could forage, it has grown into living in families (both genetic and decided), working in groups, being in an audience for a play or movie, a crowd during a hockey game or political rally. We are always with people, for the most part helping each other out. We truly are greater than the sum of our parts.

In 2017, Arnold Schwarzenegger gave the Commencement address at the University of Houston. His theme was that no one does things alone. Call him whatever you want, but never call him a self-made man. He recounts many of the people who helped him throughout his successes, and failures. He includes his parents, friends, teachers, coaches, and mentors. He stresses that each interaction he had with a wide variety of people, some direct and others coincidental helped shape him both physically and substantially.

This resonated with me so very much. Think of any accomplishment, large or small, that you have achieved. Now think a little more to determine who was there teaching you, helping you, supporting you … These people (notice I didn’t say person) didn’t have to be with you shoulder to shoulder every day. I am confident that you can name those people who

• noticed a talent in you that you never saw.
• supported you by not laughing at an idea you had.
• encouraged you when you needed it during a low moment.
• reminded you of your strengths when you doubted yourself.
• offered guidance without making you feel judged.
• trusted you with something important.
• stood up for you when you weren’t around.
• gave you honest feedback.

Have you thanked them? At TEDx•Toronto in 2010, Drew Dudley gave a talk titled, “Everyday Leadership” (https://www.ted.com/talks/drew_dudley_everyday_leadership?autoplay=true). This is another video that also resonated strongly with me. It must have for others, too, as there have been almost seven million plays of it. He speaks on the things you and others do every day that could easily have immense impacts on others that you may not notice or just take for granted. He refers to them as Lollipop Moments. It could be something as small as letting someone know that you appreciate them on a day when they were feeling down. You didn’t know they were feeling down. You were just you being you. But that comment may have been the one thing that person needed to lift them up. 

These lollipop moments can be defined as a small behavior, one that is quickly forgotten by one person that makes a meaningful and long-lasting impact on the recipient. They occur all the time, every day. 

Examples-

• You tell your friend you like the way they handled an awkward situation. 
• A coach tells a player to keep making the attempts even when the shots don’t all go in.
• A teacher sees a trait in her student and points it out to them.
• Your boss sees leadership potential in a person and tells them.
• Holding a door open for someone.
• Letting a new person sit down at the lunch table and making them feel welcome.

Effects-

• That awkward situation was making your friend consider quitting the group, but now it doesn’t.
• That player becomes a team leader by example.
• That trait the teacher saw empowers the student to go into a field they would never have considered before.
• The worker is now more inclined to help others having setbacks.
• The person you held the door for remembers how it felt when someone did them a small favor and now pays it forward.
• The person in the lunch room felt alone and invisible to the world. Now they feel seen.

In each of these cases, it’s a small action by one person that can have an overwhelming effect on the recipient. 

But please also remember that some people (not you, of course) could be handing out poison lollipops. What if you had not let a person know that you appreciated them? Instead you complained to them about something, or casually highlighted something about them that bothers you? I am not talking about serious conversations here. I am referring to the casual, off-hand comment that seems small to you- a sarcastic comment or a dismissive laugh. We need to be cognizant of the things we do and say that can affect people both directly and indirectly. Intent does not negate the impact.

Just as you are a giver of lollipops, you are also a benefactor. You have been the person buoyed by someone’s positive comment. It was the thing you just really needed to hear at that moment. Did you go back and thank the person? Should you?! You don’t have to give a huge life story. You don’t have to make it a big deal. But a simple acknowledgement of appreciation will feed a fire that creates a chain reaction. It self-perpetuates.

No man is an island (More appropriately stated- No person is an island)– not because they once needed help, but because they are still part of the system that sustains others. Just as you are a giver of lollipops, you are also a benefactor of them. Someone’s small kindness once steadied you, often without their knowing it. Acknowledging that moment—naming it, thanking it—reinforces the truth that none of us stands alone. Each act of recognition strengthens the network we all depend on, and keeps the island from ever forming.